Friday, April 3, 2009

The Transition.

No, I'm not talking about the transition that comes much later in life. I am, however, talking about the transition I'm in right now: becoming a mother. Four years ago I was engaged and planning a wedding. A year ago I found out I was pregnant. Three and a half months ago I had my son. That is a lot of change in a short period of time and I haven't even mentioned how many times I have moved in the past few years. However, lately I have really been getting down on myself for not knowing what to do with Moses. It is really hard to enjoy motherhood when I am spending all my time just trying to figure it out. I know all you mom's out there will think "that's just the way it is" when I say this, but I'm going to say it anyway: As soon as I have things figured out , IT CHANGES.
Right now we are in the middle of swaddle & pacifier weaning, extending feeding times to every four hours and trying (begging, really) to get Moses to sleep through the night. All of this has left me exhausted, dealing with another bout of mastitis (boo) and wishing I could undo my decision to become a mom. (Gasp! Did I just write that for the world to see??) I won't even go into how that makes me feel because, what I have learned is, you all understand and many have felt the same way.
Today I found myself on my knees before my maker begging for help as I try to shepherd this little life. I am trying not to wish these days away and attempting to enjoy my son in the stage that he is in. Here are some of the things that I am loving:
Mo's silly face when I tried to feed him cereal. It's still a little to early, but it sure was cute. He looks so concerned!
How fascinating Moses thinks his feet are.
And how vocal Moses is. Jeremiah is singing him "The Moses Song" we made up shortly after he was born. It is silly. And Moses loves it.
So, all in all, this time is hard. I can't really sugar coat it. However, tonight as my sweet, sleepy little boy was laying his head on my shoulder I couldn't help but be thankful as my heart welled up with love for this little person.
I love you, Moses David, and I am so glad you are you.


Becky Marshall said...

Hang in there, sweetie! I wish I could tell you that Moses will all of a sudden sleep through the night or be easier. Maybe he will, and I hope he will! Thomas is still not consistently sleeping, but I have come to terms with the fact that no matter what I do, he is not a good sleeper. It sure is not easy, but I can tell you that the older they get, the more of a blessing they are in your life. I had to learn to stop comparing Thomas to every other baby, and myself to every other mom. He is the baby God has given me, and he is perfect! Enjoy Moses for who he is, and trust in yourself as the mom God has chosen to shepherd Moses. You are doing a fantastic job, and you're not doing anything wrong! Enjoy the ever-increasing rewards as he grows, and try not to dwell on the hard stuff. I'm always here if you need to talk!

Gina - Peke Moe said...

hugs to you.. it does get easier as they get older .. I Promise!
another option with the swaddle weaning could be the Peke Moe
check out my blog and site for more info.
All the best!!!